If This Isn't Love
by KingRabbit
Summary: "If i walk out now, I know i'll regret it." Struggling with a drug addiction, Kanda fights to both keep allen by his side, as well as push him away. "He deserves more than what I'm giving him" yullen oneshot yaoi drug use


**I have no idea why this popped into my head… but it did. And now it's written. I'm surprised, this was started at about 2:25 pm where I am and was finished about 5:00 pm. Editing was done periodically from that time to about an hour ago. And viola! One of the fastest I'm produced! **

**Rating: M for mentions of drug abuse, swearing. **

(Allen)

"Kanda..."

"Go ahead, leave. See how much I fucking care!" Kanda yelled angrily, making me flinch.

His eyes betrayed him though. They begged for me to stay, to give him another chance, to let him fix everything.

I smiled sadly at him, shaking my head slightly with tears slipping from my eyes.

"Not this time." I said, answering his eyes instead of his words.

It hurt to speak the words, hurt so much my throat closed and I fought for breath. My chest, my heart, throbbed painfully, shattering like a rock hitting glass, breaking it into grains of sand. Those grains were then crushed even smaller when someone decided they thought it to be a good idea to grind them beneath steel boots.

I knew that if I stayed a moment longer, it would be impossible walk away, let alone stay away. Still, I couldn't help one last look before I turned, and with my bags in hand, walked out of the kitchen and turned the corner down the hall to the door.

He stayed rooted to the spot, shock and despair written on his beautiful face. That hurt more than anything. He knew I was going to leave, hell, I threatened to walk out before. Each time he'd convinced me not to, saying he'd get help.

But he never did. I can see the track marks on his arms, the bruises where the needle was injected into. He'd chosen his poison over me, always over me. And I wasn't going to stand by, helpless and hopeless, as he slowly killed himself.

The doorknob almost burned against my palm, almost as if saying I wasn't allowed to leave. But if I got scorch and burn marks on my skin, so be it. It was barable to the pain in my chest.

I paused with the door open wide.

What was I doing?

Getting away.

But why?

Because I didn't want to watch the man I loved (love) deliberately kill himself.

But I-

Can't go through with this show.

But Kanda...

He made his choices, now I have to make yours.

I...

Just walk away...

I silently warred with myself, still standing in the doorway.

I can't do it.

I have to.

But I can't leave him.

Yes I can.

But I love him.

I'm just setting myself up for disappointment.

I won't be able to forgive myself if I don't try at least once more.

And what happens when all my efforts fall apart in the end?

He can't do it on his own.

I know he can't. But he made his choice. He chose his drugs over his Moyashi. So just leave...

The door clicked softly as it shut. It seemed to echo in the hall, too loud for the quiet space. With tears falling from my eyes in a steady stream, I began walking - almost being hit with several plates that were sent flying to the floor as I entered the kitchen.

"What the hell? Those were expensive!" I snapped. Kanda spun around, eyes wide, disbelief written across his features. A soft smile made it's way onto my face at the relief that slowly showed itself in his eyes.

Before I knew what happened, I was being held tightly against a muscled chest, arms like iron wrapped around my smaller frame.

"Allen." Kanda breathed. I closed my eyes, inhaling his unique scent as I buried my face into his chest.

"Yuu..." I murmured in reply. His response was to hug me tighter to him, almost making it impossible to breathe.

"Your back..."

"I never left..."

"I thought you did..."

"I know..."

"... Please... Don't leave..."

"I'm not going anywhere."

Not yet. Not until I try once more.

"...Thank you..."

I knew his words were genuine. I could feel the emotion, the fear and the hopeful pleas.

I also knew he meant the words from what he said. He would never speak that way otherwise.

"...Yuu... Please-" My words were cut off by his lips on mine.

"I'll try. I promise I'll try." He said once we broke apart.

And I knew he would.

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(Kanda)

I did try. God be damned if I said I didn't. Maybe everyone was right when they said he should leave me. I knew he'd be better off without me - no one had to tell me that one. I constantly told him he should give up on me. I was at rock bottom, but somehow he always managed to pull me back to my fee. I still told him to forget about me anyway.

But he didn't. He stayed by my side, even with the risk of something happening, something that could endanger his life. I was scared I might hurt him - not that I told him that. But I think he knew.

He said he wouldn't leave, that that he'd never forgive himself if he left. He says he knows me better than anyone else does.

I disagree. He just knows most of me. There are some sides I refused to show even him. He says he wasn't leaving and that was final, that any of my complaints could be shoved where the sun doesn't shine.

I just looked away and said good, because I wasn't letting him get away.

He just laughed.

But I still try to get him to leave.

Not that it does any good.

He usually doesn't know about the withdrawals. Normally I can keep him from knowing.

Something tells me he knows but just doesn't say anything.

I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I don't know how much longer I can keep this pretense up. There's only so much strength I can draw from Allen's presence, only so much before I crumble - before HE crumbles. I can't do that to him. I can't make him suffer.

And that's why I'm leaving. I won't hurt him any further. At this rate, you'd think he was the one dealing with an addiction instead of me. But he deserves more, so much more than what I can give him, so much more than what I HAVE given him.

Allen... If what he's given me isn't love, I don't know what is...

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(Allen)

"Allen, let's go back. It's getting dark and we'll never find him at this rate." Lenalee said, shivering despite her many layers. But I guess that's what you get for wearing miniskirts in the middle of winter.

"You go back then." I reply, glancing down another alley.

Yuu... Where the hell are you?

"Allen, it's been three weeks." Lavi said. I stopped walking and turned to him.

"Your point?"

"We have to consider..."

"Consider what? You trying to say something?"

"Allen, he could be..."

"If your going to say something, then say it! Otherwise shut the hell up and leave me alone!" I snapped.

He's not dead. I know. I can feel it.

But I guess I can't blame them. If I were one of them, I'd probably be the same, especially after this long. Still! Their supposed to be his friends! How can they just give up on him?

"Allen..." Lavi murmured. I turned away and continued searching.

"Just go back without me." I call back to them, wrapping Kanda's scarf tighter around me in attempts to ward off the cold.

The city was surprisingly quiet. But that's somewhat expected, it being Christmas eve and all.

No matter what, I'd find him. And it would NOT be his body.

Turning toward the park, I continued walking.

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(Kanda)

It was so cold, much too cold. The snow that melted into my clothes didn't help.

I gazed tiredly into the sky, the bark from the maple tree behind me digging into my back. I suppose it should sting, but I've long since lost feeling in my body.

Shame too. But it really didn't matter. Not like I'd have to worry about it much longer at this rate.

"Moyashi..." His nickname slipped passed my lips before I could stop it.

My eyes begin to slowly drift closed. I don't fight it. Even If I wanted to, I just don't have the strength.

"Yuu!"

I look toward the my name. I know it's my name with how it's said, by who said it.

"...Allen..." I whispered. His hair - so much better than the stars. His worried eyes locked with mine before I slip completely into the darkness.

"YUU!"

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(Allen)

He's so broken, so weak looking as he lay unmoving and icy cold under the covers. I'm scared. I don't think he'll pull through. Without a moments hesitation, I strip him and myself before settling next to him. His temperature makes me jump, but I refuse to pull away. Worried it's not enough, I wrap myself around him, rubbing him every place I can reach in order to begin raising his temperature. His fever seems to help.

"Yuu... Stay with me... Don't leave me again..." I murmur brokenly, my voice cracking as I lay panting almost completely on him. I stroked his hollow cheeks, tracing his bony body. It hurts seeing him like this. It hurts so much. If I didn't know him so well, I wouldn't have even known it was him. There's almost no resemblance between this man and the one who walked out my door.

I leaned up, placing gently kisses on his chapped lips.

"...Allen..." He whispers. I pulled away to look at him, tucking a few locks of hair behind my ear as his eyes struggle to open then stay that way.

"Hey." I say, returning to stroking his cheek.

"Where-" I cut him off with a soft kiss.

"Shh... Don't talk. Just sleep and get better." I said, touching my lips to his forehead. His eyes slipped back closed as he followed my request.

"I love you..." I said, snuggling back into his side.

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(Kanda)

It seems like forever until my fever breaks. But the shaking continues. Not once does Allen leave my side. He only did so to collect food or other things before returning. Occasionally Lavi or Lenalee would stop by with guilty expressions - though no one tells me why.

"So where have you been?" Allen suddenly asked, pausing in his motion to make me drink apple juice.

I hesitated, knowing he won't like my answer.

"Have you been...living on the streets or something?"

I give a single nod. He hid behind his bangs for a moment before forcing the straw into my mouth and making me drink.

"Why'd you leave?" He sake quietly once he was back to lying next to me. My body immediately moving to pull him as close as I can.

Again, I hesitated.

"I couldn't make you suffer anymore..." I said as quietly as I could, hoping he doesn't hear.

"Baka! I told you, I was willing to stay no matter what!" I practically yells. I wince, titling my head away. He mumbled an apology.

"Tch... That's why I left... You deserve more than this."

"I don't care. I said I'd stick with you. That hasn't changed."

I look away from him, out the window into the city.

"Allen, don't throw your life away for me."

"How am I throwing my life away if I'm doing what I feel I should, what I want to do...?"

"By wasting your time on me."

"Your not a waste of my time."

"I AM a waste of your time. I tried, Allen, I swear I did. But I couldn't stop using... I still can't..."

"Baka, the last time you used was almost a week ago."

"... has it really been that long?"

"Tomorrows New Years day. I found you on Christmas."

I didn't reply as he snuggled closer, unconsciously making room to allow the action.

It couldn't have been that long. After I left, I hadn't been able to go half a day without my fix - let alone almost a week.

"I love you. And I won't be going anywhere."

I just smiled and closed my eyes.

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(Allen)

I'm worried. Again.

He told me to wait for him. After that he just up and left. That had been this morning. It was almost nine. I sat huddled under a blanket with my knees to my chest as I watched the door.

Would he leave me again?

That had always been a fear since that time just before Christmas six months ago.

Would he go back to using?

That thought scared me more than him leaving me did. He'd gotten himself cleaned up - been that way for a while. With how much he'd been using, I'm still constantly expecting him to fall back into how it used to be.

I squeezed my eyes shut, tightening my arms around my legs as I waited with baited breath for the door to open.

I hadn't even realized I'd fallen asleep until I felt myself being lifted and carried to the bedroom.

"Yuu?" I whisper tiredly, cracking my eyes open.

"Baka, how long were you sitting there?" He asked, setting me down on our bed.

"Since you left..." I reply, already beginning to fall back asleep.

"Tch, idiot."

"I'm not...an...M'names 'Al...len'..." I mumble. He unbuttons my shirt before slipping it off and replacing it with my nightshirt. After pushing me down, he does the same with my pants. When I'm changed, he fixed me into bed, following after changing himself - sans the shirt though.

I snuggled into his side when he'd settled, his arms wrapping around me, pulling me closer.

"Why'd you wait up?" He asked after a while, jolting me from my almost-asleep state.

"Cuz you...asked me...to...wait.." I mumbled sleepily.

"I didn't ask you to fall asleep on the couch waiting."

"Well I did anyway..."

"Idiot..."

"Mmhmm..."

I might as well say it. Besides, being half asleep already I can blame it on being tired in the morning.

"I thought you left me..." I murmured.

"Why would you think that?" I can hear the frown in his voice.

"Don'... Know..."

"I'm not going anywhere, Moyashi. Not without you at least."

"Good..."

"I love you, Allen."

"I know... I love you, too, Yuu..."

I smile and move even closer. He gently kissed my head before we both fell into a cozy sleep.

If this wasn't love, then I didn't know what it.

Honestly, if it wasn't, then maybe no one knew.

**Hmm… review? Tell me how I did please? I take criticism rather well so whether you liked it or not, tell me. I really don't mind. Thanks for reading!**


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